Surrender is an interesting thing

Surrender is an interesting thing.

Since my Bella died, I have been sitting in this absolute fear because of money and how I can pay my bills, all of them. I am 2 mortgages behind, hundreds in bills, credit cards and have so much around my home that I want to do. I didn't spend that much on B, since we didn't do surgery or chemotherapy for extended periods, it was all spent on healings (for both of us actually), herbs, second opinions and other options searching, an animal communicator and a very expensive holistic vet. It was only around $1000, not that much in the grand scheme of things, and very necessary for this profound experience and process my Baby Girl and I just passed thru, but it seemed to throw me into an absolute complete tailspin financially.

I was in this place of absolute and complete on my knees terror and then I shifted into, "ok, so what if I lose my house? I love my house and my Angel and her memories r here and in her backyard, but it's ok, I will survive, she will go w me, her memories will come to me whenever I choose them to. So maybe I have to file bankruptcy, ok, so I start over again, fine, I've done it once, I can do it again, so be it. If this is how it is supposed to be, then so be it. "

This whole on my knees surrender to "ok, so I lose my home and start over again" took me to questioning pretty much everything I think I know. What is love? What do I really want in my life? What do I know? What if everything I know is BS & not real? Why do I struggle financially and feel like I have to do it myself and have some idea of what it's supposed to look like and how I create my dreams and call abundance into my life? What if the idea of what I want in my primary relationship is bullshit and THAT is really some old program that has been put on me and I don't even know it? What if the answers to everything I want in my life r right in front of me and I am being too stubborn (uh, again, never denied I can be stubborn, AND that's an old program my dad gave me) and holding onto what I think SHOULD be?! There r no shoulds, right?! Why do I feel like I have to create my life and my business and my abundance (financially) the hard way and by working my butt off? What if everything I think I know, I really don't. I'm completely open and willing to learn. In fact, I was just remembering this week that on New Year's Eve, the Angel Card I drew was "willingness". This year has been true to that, I have had more unexpected everything show up than one could possibly imagine!

So meanwhile, I had a client purchase a pkg for 15 sessions. I kept watching and watching for it to drop into my account. It never did. I waited for a week, it never did. I mentioned it to her and she researched it. Her statement said it went thru. SO! All of my credit card payments that go thru my website go thru PayPal. Even if ppl just use a credit card and don't use a PayPal account, it still goes thru PayPal. So, I look at this confirmation email that I got saying her payment went thru. I got their number and called them. I FIND OUT that I have a PayPal account. I had no idea I had a PayPal account! I had $5769 in that account! What?! So, come to find out, for the last year, every payment made on my website has gone to this account. What!? I never itemize all of of my deposits, I just thought they were going into my account, as I thought we had set up, and I simply always know how much I have by only using cash or debit and mobile banking to check my balance. Ha! Well, needless to say, I started breathing and called almost everyone I know! Everyone I know who loves me and has supported me in so many ways. I can now pay my mortgage up to date as well as all of my bills and probably even pay off a credit card, the balances
r not very high. Breathing. Took myself to Glenwood Springs for the night (still finagled a SMOKIN deal on the room, heehee), had the dinner I wanted, bought myself some nicer sunglasses, all without mortal fear and/or guilt. You have to understand how different this is for me in comparison to the last 4 months, I didn't spend anything except on Bella and was completely focused on her and us, because I never knew what I was going to need to do next, or how long we were going to be doing it. I was even worse after, for this last month. So, inhale exhale, surrender, expansion.

NOW, the lesson in this: absolute and complete and total surrender to the Divine and what is and not just me controlling it and thinking I have the answers, or even know what it should look like is the only way. In the last week, I literally questioned EVERYTHING. Especially what I want in my life and thinking that I know what I want in love, or even what love is. I haven't really known what love is for much of my life. My mother died when I was very young and my father went into complete shutdown. My Bella taught me what love really is. She is my example and my greatest teacher. I have had the realization that she taught me what my mother was supposed to teach me and that she created this process of her leaving me to get me to this place. To love myself as I loved her, to trust, even bigger-what surrender really is, what love is, how much of it I really have in my life, what I have right next to me that I am not acknowledging, how much unconditional love I have around and supporting me from all directions.

I had been DEATHLY terrified of losing Bella since I got her, from second one, I loved her so much. Maybe it's because on my soul level, I knew that the greatest lesson of my life would be involved and I would die to so many things. I am cellularly changed. I understand life, life and death, love, surrender, everything, so much more and differently. Before it was a concept that we r all going to die and I have to live my life. Now, I understand it so much differently. I have to live my life, for ME, not anyone else and how I want it, not for anyone else's ideas or things they tell me it should look like. What is REALLY true for me and what am I resisting simply to be RIGHT and for what anybody/thing has told me?!

Where r u resisting within yourself? What r u holding onto in your body? What's stopping u? Do u have any old ideas about anything in your life that r holding u back? Feel into it, ask yourself, ask your body. How can I help and support you? Take excellent care of u, u r the only u u have!