This week has been such a learning, teaching, challenging week for me. I
found myself challenging even the very foundation of everything I do,
everything I am and everything I think I know.
With all that I have been destroying and uncreating in my life (within
myself), I have been asking lots of questions: What else is possible?
What if none of anything looks the way I think it looks at all? How
can my playshop contribute to herself? What does she want? How can my
work contribute to my money flows (rather than me having to work my butt
off to contribute to my work)? Why do I keep doing this one habit that
continually trips me up and I can never seem to shift it? Lots of
dropping in. Lots of questioning.
Feeling ready to just give up, having a very unstable client go off on
me with a lot of untruths, feeling hopeless, feeling disappointed in
myself for being this late person I've been all of my life and it gets
me nowhere and is actually detrimental, looking at relationships and
what is real and what is not, feeling completely raw and open to
whatever...able to not judge myself with some of it, judging myself with
some of it.
It's times like these when I rely so heavily on my support system. I
could not do any of this without those amazing people in my life. They
believe in me when I don't even believe in me. They tell me I rock and I
believe them and find it within myself. They inspire me to keep
working on and with the things I want to change. They show me other
options and introduce other ideas and possibilities. The make it
possible for me to move ahead, in every way.
So I forge on. Being completely human, screwing up a lot, being amazing
a lot, doing my best and intending and/or working on changing all of
the old stuff that doesn't serve me and actually hurts me. Continually
questioning and continuing to ask for what I want to create to replace
what I've cleared out of my space. That's all I can do, that's all any
of us can do...that's what we are here to do, and hopefully we create
more ease and joy within our lives and within other people's lives with
just knowing we are all here, doing the best we can and loving each
other through all of it...if I have ever disappointed you in any way, I
deeply regret it. Please know its not my intention...and please always
let me know...we are all here to love and help each other, in every way.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
So you REALLY want it? If you did, you would get it and nothing would stop you.
Priorities.
Is what you are doing, BEING and choosing in your life congruent with what you want (body, mind, spirit)? If not, then y do it? Choose different. So you REALLY want it? If you did, you would get it and nothing would stop you. So, I ask you again, do you REALLY want it?
I know so many people who say they want something, from changing their body to changing their life to getting a new sofa. The SAY they want it, but they use some excuse to not have it. People say they want to have stronger, leaner and healthier bodies, and they won't get up and productively move their bodies with intention to change them OR make smarter food choices. Hmmmmm, from what we know about how bodies function, is anything going to change? People say they are in terrible pain in some way, and they won't actively and passionately seek out how to change it; when they DO find the solution for themselves, they use some excuse, usually time and/or money, to not have it for themselves. Hmmmmm, does that make any logical sense if you REALLY want to be out of pain? The same is true for everything in a person's life. If you want it, truly in your bones want it, you will make it a priority: energetically align yourself with your focused desire, schedule in the time, find the money, find a way to trade services to get our of pain, do a layaway plan on the sofa, endless possibilities. It is simply a matter of choosing that you want something and directing your intention and actions towards having it, no questions.
Priorities. What are you making the most important thing in your life? What is in your life reflects what your priorities are. Empower yourself. Choose what you really want. Go after it. Be TRULY TRULY OPEN to how it is going to show up. Very often times it will not look like you think it is going to look, be open to and OK with that. One choice lead to the next choice, which leads to the next one and you eventually end up at the end of your yellow brick road of the changed body, the Out-of Pain back, the awesome new car that you didn't think you could EVER afford!
You get the idea. It all boils down to choice. It all boils down to how bad a person REALLY wants something. I am in NO way shape or form saying it's going to show up tomorrow, I am saying that if you really decide and go after it, really aligning yourself energetically with what it is, not having these old limiting beliefs around WHATEVER you are telling yourself is stopping you. It's really not, you and what you are making a priority are.
Is what you are doing, BEING and choosing in your life congruent with what you want (body, mind, spirit)? If not, then y do it? Choose different. So you REALLY want it? If you did, you would get it and nothing would stop you. So, I ask you again, do you REALLY want it?
I know so many people who say they want something, from changing their body to changing their life to getting a new sofa. The SAY they want it, but they use some excuse to not have it. People say they want to have stronger, leaner and healthier bodies, and they won't get up and productively move their bodies with intention to change them OR make smarter food choices. Hmmmmm, from what we know about how bodies function, is anything going to change? People say they are in terrible pain in some way, and they won't actively and passionately seek out how to change it; when they DO find the solution for themselves, they use some excuse, usually time and/or money, to not have it for themselves. Hmmmmm, does that make any logical sense if you REALLY want to be out of pain? The same is true for everything in a person's life. If you want it, truly in your bones want it, you will make it a priority: energetically align yourself with your focused desire, schedule in the time, find the money, find a way to trade services to get our of pain, do a layaway plan on the sofa, endless possibilities. It is simply a matter of choosing that you want something and directing your intention and actions towards having it, no questions.
Priorities. What are you making the most important thing in your life? What is in your life reflects what your priorities are. Empower yourself. Choose what you really want. Go after it. Be TRULY TRULY OPEN to how it is going to show up. Very often times it will not look like you think it is going to look, be open to and OK with that. One choice lead to the next choice, which leads to the next one and you eventually end up at the end of your yellow brick road of the changed body, the Out-of Pain back, the awesome new car that you didn't think you could EVER afford!
You get the idea. It all boils down to choice. It all boils down to how bad a person REALLY wants something. I am in NO way shape or form saying it's going to show up tomorrow, I am saying that if you really decide and go after it, really aligning yourself energetically with what it is, not having these old limiting beliefs around WHATEVER you are telling yourself is stopping you. It's really not, you and what you are making a priority are.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
My Mommy
My
mommy. If you get my newsletter, you saw her picture before reading this. The resemblance is remarkable. I look like her, I move like her, I
have her mannerisms, I have her fabulousness she wasn't allowed to be.
Kathryn Elaine Hagan Revell. She died when I was almost 10. I don't remember her very clearly. I remember small things. I remember us riding bikes around the neighborhood together. I remember her sorting laundry and letting me help. I remember that she LOVED Willie Nelson's Red-Headed Stranger (maybe that's why I absolutely adore him) and The soundtrack from "The Star is Born" (it's actually a phenomenal album!). Everyone, Everyone, Everyone that knew her said she was the sweetest, most tender, loving, soft, faith-full and feminine woman they had ever known. I was also told that she died because she was too sweet for this world, she didn't understand how people could be like that...I've also always known that she was very unhappy in her marriage and back then, women just didn't leave their marriages, no matter what, especially in Houston, Texas! I also know that she was big and fabulous (I have added a picture to this blog
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I went to a Movement Arts Festival with my 2 shaman practitioner friends Melanie Leithauser and Daniel Donovan (The magical duo. They do their work together and it is beyond so powerful. I want that with my man.) yesterday. I originally thought it was because I wanted to do a presentation to do my work. It wasn't. It was to do a Shamanic Breathwork Journey with them. Right before we began, the women next to me in circle, whom had recently lost her mother, thanked me for being there because I reminded her of her mother, who was vibrant and full of life and amazing and just who she was, always. Wow. What a gift to me. Then My mother was with me in my journey
yesterday. Melanie and Daniel do their work connected to a "soundtrack" of music and sounds specifically engineered to take everyBody on a journey through the Chakras. I was totally aware the entire time that no matter which Chakra we were on (and I sensed each one, it was wild), my first chakra wanted to be connected to the earth the entire time. Rooted, Grounded, Embodied.
At one point, I had this absolute understanding that I was doing the work that I am doing in this life for myself for her as well. I've been told this many times, but yesterday, I KNEW it within myself, wasn't told it from outside of me. "I miss you" came up in me, which my mind always thinks is
ridiculous because I never really had her, but
my heart and soul know it isn't ridiculous. I let myself just be in the knowing, the feeling, not going into the pushing it away with the thinking at all. She's been with me a lot
lately. A lot. Came to me loud and CLEAR yesterday that everything I am
healing in this life is healing for her also. The irony that today is Mother's Day dawned on me last night. Energetics of life are interesting sometimes.
I love you Mommy. I'm grateful I got to tell you that one last time. I miss you. Thank you for downloading your sweet sweet Queen heart and soul into me. It and You have served me well to have that core underneath everything else that has happened in my life along the way. Thank you. I miss you.
Sunday, May 4, 2014
My Angel Girl Bella
It was a year ago 5/2 when my Angel Girl Soulmate, Love of My Life Bella girl was diagnosed with her tumor reappearing. I had no idea how I could ever live without my Bella, much less function and have a life. I literally didn't know who I was without my B. Literally. Literally.
I had come home 2 days before and she was limping. "Oh, Angel, what did you do?" I thought nothing of it, Bella was often having a little glitch, then she was fine. She was a f-ing rockstar. Period. Everyone who knew her knew she was a f-ing rockstar. (The previous July, she had had a large tumor and much of her chest superficial muscle and skin removed. 5 minutes after being under a general and having major surgery, the 14 and 1/2 year old amazingness in a beautiful blonde dog body was up and walking around, talking to and loving on everybody around, which is just who she was and what she did, period. The surgeon even told me what a RockStar she was!) I came home the next day and she could barely put weight on it. "Oh Angel." I figured she jumped off of her favorite perch in front of the window and hurt her arm. Rocco needed to go to the vet too, so I called and made an appointment. Our doctor looked at her and told me she thought her tumor was back. "WHAT?!" She's just limping!!!!!!!!!! It was incomprehensible.
I called my good friend Dana, who is a beyond dog lover person and who I knew would get it, while I was in the room waiting for our doctor to come back in with Bella. There was no way. We had beat it a year before. How could she possibly have her cancer back? It wasn't possible. I called my friend Rich. I text my brother and my father. I waited, numb. Terrified and not believing it. No absolute way possible I would ever lose my Bella. It wasn't even an option in my reality. Not even an option. Dr. Monika came back in with my Girl, smiling and loving, no idea what we were in for over the next 3 months...either of us. I listened, absolutely not believing or fathoming what she was telling me. We would beat this, absolutely no question. No question. There was nothing Bella and I couldn't do. Nothing. I called my bestie Sabra on the way home. Just to tell her, not that I might lose her, just to tell her. Sabra always grounds me...I just wanted to tell her....
So I went into motion. Life moves as you move and I am really good at moving. We did a healing with my friend Tamlyn. Tamlyn fell in love with her. She told me that Bella wanted me to see and know how amazing I am and that I was and would continue to be with or without her. It was time for me to own it and to be it, without her. Bella was her amazing, cute, sweet self throughout the meeting. The magical thing was, I got her to sit on my lap for probably 45 minutes. Bella NEVER sat on my lap for that long-there were things to do and people to love around, why would I sit here?! But she did, and every time Tam would hit on something Bella really wanted me to hear, she would close her mouth and look right at Tam, in the eyes, silently telling her thank you for communicating with me. Seriously magical.
Next we did a healing with an animal energy healer. We went to my vet to find out about Chemo. We got a second opinion. I knew I didn't want to give her chemo, no way I wanted this happy, amazing being sick. No way I would do that to her and she didn't want it either. We went to another vet who offered an alternative chemo he had had great results with and dogs not getting sick with. I tried it. It made her sick. We got off. I tried an alternative vet. We did an amazing, beautiful, sweet and forever memorable photo shoot with the Incomparable Tamara Murphy-Webb. Tamara fell in love with her. We did a reading with an animal communicator. My favorite things from that reading, "she wants it to be you and her, just as it was before she was diagnosed with this." "she loves that no matter what, it was you and her, no matter who was in your life, what was going on, etc. it was always made clear it was me and her, period, no matter what." "why do humans think because we leave out bodies we are gone? we are never gone." she said our commitment to eachother and our agreements were too strong, that she would never leave me. Ever. and my ABSOLUTE favorite comment..."my human is amazing and she doesn't even know how amazing she is. she does all of these amazing things for all of these people and she is amazing and she has no idea how amazing she is." That was so my B.
True to our life together, out last 3 months were quite the ride. When she had the tumor removed, it was a wake up call for me...I took her with me everywhere I could for the last year of her life. For the last 3 months, ALL I did was Bella 24/7. She was absolutely my life. Period. During that time, I absolutely learned the true balance of Surrender and Mama Bear. I accepted that she might leave me but I'd be damned if I wasn't going to fight for and protect her out of love with every bone and cell in my body and all of my soul. I talked to her all of the time. I asked her not to make me make the decision. I told her how much I loved her. I thanked her. She died 8/4. Her kidneys failed. She orchestrated her last day so that she got to stay home with me, love on me all day and have me love on her all day long, creating what she wanted in her life and protecting me up until her last breath. I was communicating with 2 psychic friends (ultimate gratitude Alexis and Pam) all day long and she told both of them she was fine all day, up until she died (orchestrating for me to go back to the store a SECOND time and she died while I was gone because she knew I could not handle watching her leave her body), then she talked to one of them...telling me to sit with her, to get out of my hysteria and sit with her, hold her, love her, one last time...so I did. I held my B in my grandmother's homemade antique quilt. I kissed her sweet spot between her eyes, right on her forehead. I kissed her paws, which I loved to do. I kissed her cheek. I looked at her, not fathoming that I would never see her again. I held her. I felt her. I loved her. No words to explain how thankful I am for that time.
My wonderful friend Joel came and took me to the vet at 11pm on a Sunday night. He had to take her from me to give the vet tech. I literally couldn't let her go. He literally had to take her from me. I just sat there. I can still feel it. I just sat there. We went home. I called my BF Christiane on the east coast, she was sound asleep and she answered because she just knew. I text my dad and my brother. I tried to sleep.
I woke up and I started on my life after Bella, an absolute lost and numb wreck of a human being. So I put one foot in front of the other. I woke up every day and I moved. I lived. I leaned on all of the awesome people who love me in my life. I started in on an entirely new direction in my life in so many ways. Eventually, in around 6 months, I stopped crying every time I saw her picture or talked about her. I got stronger. I created an entirely new business and life path for myself. I kept having all of these people love and support me and tell me how amazing I am, to just BE it, to know it, own it and live it without hesitation. I had no idea what that looked or felt like for me...I eventually grew into it absolutely and I am grateful. Beyond grateful.
So, my body of work, Embodied Confidence, grew out of this experience and out of my entire life with this amazing, beautiful, blonde, me in a dog body, loving and if you cross her you will know it, being. You see, every time someone would tell me to just live and be amazing, all I did for a very long time was see her in my mind's eye and feel her in my heart. To grow into the amazing, confident and integrated woman I have grown into...I had to have this amazing being show me the way...and give me the best example and the greatest, perfect life lesson to know what amazing is. Bella, this is for you. Thank you for giving me this ultimate greatest gift. Mama loves you. Mama Loves you more than Life itself. Do you love your Mama? Oh yes...I know you do. Thank you Angel. Eternally grateful for you.
I had come home 2 days before and she was limping. "Oh, Angel, what did you do?" I thought nothing of it, Bella was often having a little glitch, then she was fine. She was a f-ing rockstar. Period. Everyone who knew her knew she was a f-ing rockstar. (The previous July, she had had a large tumor and much of her chest superficial muscle and skin removed. 5 minutes after being under a general and having major surgery, the 14 and 1/2 year old amazingness in a beautiful blonde dog body was up and walking around, talking to and loving on everybody around, which is just who she was and what she did, period. The surgeon even told me what a RockStar she was!) I came home the next day and she could barely put weight on it. "Oh Angel." I figured she jumped off of her favorite perch in front of the window and hurt her arm. Rocco needed to go to the vet too, so I called and made an appointment. Our doctor looked at her and told me she thought her tumor was back. "WHAT?!" She's just limping!!!!!!!!!! It was incomprehensible.
I called my good friend Dana, who is a beyond dog lover person and who I knew would get it, while I was in the room waiting for our doctor to come back in with Bella. There was no way. We had beat it a year before. How could she possibly have her cancer back? It wasn't possible. I called my friend Rich. I text my brother and my father. I waited, numb. Terrified and not believing it. No absolute way possible I would ever lose my Bella. It wasn't even an option in my reality. Not even an option. Dr. Monika came back in with my Girl, smiling and loving, no idea what we were in for over the next 3 months...either of us. I listened, absolutely not believing or fathoming what she was telling me. We would beat this, absolutely no question. No question. There was nothing Bella and I couldn't do. Nothing. I called my bestie Sabra on the way home. Just to tell her, not that I might lose her, just to tell her. Sabra always grounds me...I just wanted to tell her....
So I went into motion. Life moves as you move and I am really good at moving. We did a healing with my friend Tamlyn. Tamlyn fell in love with her. She told me that Bella wanted me to see and know how amazing I am and that I was and would continue to be with or without her. It was time for me to own it and to be it, without her. Bella was her amazing, cute, sweet self throughout the meeting. The magical thing was, I got her to sit on my lap for probably 45 minutes. Bella NEVER sat on my lap for that long-there were things to do and people to love around, why would I sit here?! But she did, and every time Tam would hit on something Bella really wanted me to hear, she would close her mouth and look right at Tam, in the eyes, silently telling her thank you for communicating with me. Seriously magical.
Next we did a healing with an animal energy healer. We went to my vet to find out about Chemo. We got a second opinion. I knew I didn't want to give her chemo, no way I wanted this happy, amazing being sick. No way I would do that to her and she didn't want it either. We went to another vet who offered an alternative chemo he had had great results with and dogs not getting sick with. I tried it. It made her sick. We got off. I tried an alternative vet. We did an amazing, beautiful, sweet and forever memorable photo shoot with the Incomparable Tamara Murphy-Webb. Tamara fell in love with her. We did a reading with an animal communicator. My favorite things from that reading, "she wants it to be you and her, just as it was before she was diagnosed with this." "she loves that no matter what, it was you and her, no matter who was in your life, what was going on, etc. it was always made clear it was me and her, period, no matter what." "why do humans think because we leave out bodies we are gone? we are never gone." she said our commitment to eachother and our agreements were too strong, that she would never leave me. Ever. and my ABSOLUTE favorite comment..."my human is amazing and she doesn't even know how amazing she is. she does all of these amazing things for all of these people and she is amazing and she has no idea how amazing she is." That was so my B.
True to our life together, out last 3 months were quite the ride. When she had the tumor removed, it was a wake up call for me...I took her with me everywhere I could for the last year of her life. For the last 3 months, ALL I did was Bella 24/7. She was absolutely my life. Period. During that time, I absolutely learned the true balance of Surrender and Mama Bear. I accepted that she might leave me but I'd be damned if I wasn't going to fight for and protect her out of love with every bone and cell in my body and all of my soul. I talked to her all of the time. I asked her not to make me make the decision. I told her how much I loved her. I thanked her. She died 8/4. Her kidneys failed. She orchestrated her last day so that she got to stay home with me, love on me all day and have me love on her all day long, creating what she wanted in her life and protecting me up until her last breath. I was communicating with 2 psychic friends (ultimate gratitude Alexis and Pam) all day long and she told both of them she was fine all day, up until she died (orchestrating for me to go back to the store a SECOND time and she died while I was gone because she knew I could not handle watching her leave her body), then she talked to one of them...telling me to sit with her, to get out of my hysteria and sit with her, hold her, love her, one last time...so I did. I held my B in my grandmother's homemade antique quilt. I kissed her sweet spot between her eyes, right on her forehead. I kissed her paws, which I loved to do. I kissed her cheek. I looked at her, not fathoming that I would never see her again. I held her. I felt her. I loved her. No words to explain how thankful I am for that time.
My wonderful friend Joel came and took me to the vet at 11pm on a Sunday night. He had to take her from me to give the vet tech. I literally couldn't let her go. He literally had to take her from me. I just sat there. I can still feel it. I just sat there. We went home. I called my BF Christiane on the east coast, she was sound asleep and she answered because she just knew. I text my dad and my brother. I tried to sleep.
I woke up and I started on my life after Bella, an absolute lost and numb wreck of a human being. So I put one foot in front of the other. I woke up every day and I moved. I lived. I leaned on all of the awesome people who love me in my life. I started in on an entirely new direction in my life in so many ways. Eventually, in around 6 months, I stopped crying every time I saw her picture or talked about her. I got stronger. I created an entirely new business and life path for myself. I kept having all of these people love and support me and tell me how amazing I am, to just BE it, to know it, own it and live it without hesitation. I had no idea what that looked or felt like for me...I eventually grew into it absolutely and I am grateful. Beyond grateful.
So, my body of work, Embodied Confidence, grew out of this experience and out of my entire life with this amazing, beautiful, blonde, me in a dog body, loving and if you cross her you will know it, being. You see, every time someone would tell me to just live and be amazing, all I did for a very long time was see her in my mind's eye and feel her in my heart. To grow into the amazing, confident and integrated woman I have grown into...I had to have this amazing being show me the way...and give me the best example and the greatest, perfect life lesson to know what amazing is. Bella, this is for you. Thank you for giving me this ultimate greatest gift. Mama loves you. Mama Loves you more than Life itself. Do you love your Mama? Oh yes...I know you do. Thank you Angel. Eternally grateful for you.
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