It was a year ago 5/2 when my Angel Girl Soulmate, Love of My Life Bella girl was diagnosed with her tumor reappearing. I had no idea how I could ever live without my Bella, much less function and have a life. I literally didn't know who I was without my B. Literally. Literally.
I had come home 2 days before and she was limping. "Oh, Angel, what did you do?" I thought nothing of it, Bella was often having a little glitch, then she was fine. She was a f-ing rockstar. Period. Everyone who knew her knew she was a f-ing rockstar. (The previous July, she had had a large tumor and much of her chest superficial muscle and skin removed. 5 minutes after being under a general and having major surgery, the 14 and 1/2 year old amazingness in a beautiful blonde dog body was up and walking around, talking to and loving on everybody around, which is just who she was and what she did, period. The surgeon even told me what a RockStar she was!) I came home the next day and she could barely put weight on it. "Oh Angel." I figured she jumped off of her favorite perch in front of the window and hurt her arm. Rocco needed to go to the vet too, so I called and made an appointment. Our doctor looked at her and told me she thought her tumor was back. "WHAT?!" She's just limping!!!!!!!!!! It was incomprehensible.
I called my good friend Dana, who is a beyond dog lover person and who I knew would get it, while I was in the room waiting for our doctor to come back in with Bella. There was no way. We had beat it a year before. How could she possibly have her cancer back? It wasn't possible. I called my friend Rich. I text my brother and my father. I waited, numb. Terrified and not believing it. No absolute way possible I would ever lose my Bella. It wasn't even an option in my reality. Not even an option. Dr. Monika came back in with my Girl, smiling and loving, no idea what we were in for over the next 3 months...either of us. I listened, absolutely not believing or fathoming what she was telling me. We would beat this, absolutely no question. No question. There was nothing Bella and I couldn't do. Nothing. I called my bestie Sabra on the way home. Just to tell her, not that I might lose her, just to tell her. Sabra always grounds me...I just wanted to tell her....
So I went into motion. Life moves as you move and I am really good at moving. We did a healing with my friend Tamlyn. Tamlyn fell in love with her. She told me that Bella wanted me to see and know how amazing I am and that I was and would continue to be with or without her. It was time for me to own it and to be it, without her. Bella was her amazing, cute, sweet self throughout the meeting. The magical thing was, I got her to sit on my lap for probably 45 minutes. Bella NEVER sat on my lap for that long-there were things to do and people to love around, why would I sit here?! But she did, and every time Tam would hit on something Bella really wanted me to hear, she would close her mouth and look right at Tam, in the eyes, silently telling her thank you for communicating with me. Seriously magical.
Next we did a healing with an animal energy healer. We went to my vet to find out about Chemo. We got a second opinion. I knew I didn't want to give her chemo, no way I wanted this happy, amazing being sick. No way I would do that to her and she didn't want it either. We went to another vet who offered an alternative chemo he had had great results with and dogs not getting sick with. I tried it. It made her sick. We got off. I tried an alternative vet. We did an amazing, beautiful, sweet and forever memorable photo shoot with the Incomparable Tamara Murphy-Webb. Tamara fell in love with her. We did a reading with an animal communicator. My favorite things from that reading, "she wants it to be you and her, just as it was before she was diagnosed with this." "she loves that no matter what, it was you and her, no matter who was in your life, what was going on, etc. it was always made clear it was me and her, period, no matter what." "why do humans think because we leave out bodies we are gone? we are never gone." she said our commitment to eachother and our agreements were too strong, that she would never leave me. Ever. and my ABSOLUTE favorite comment..."my human is amazing and she doesn't even know how amazing she is. she does all of these amazing things for all of these people and she is amazing and she has no idea how amazing she is." That was so my B.
True to our life together, out last 3 months were quite the ride. When she had the tumor removed, it was a wake up call for me...I took her with me everywhere I could for the last year of her life. For the last 3 months, ALL I did was Bella 24/7. She was absolutely my life. Period. During that time, I absolutely learned the true balance of Surrender and Mama Bear. I accepted that she might leave me but I'd be damned if I wasn't going to fight for and protect her out of love with every bone and cell in my body and all of my soul. I talked to her all of the time. I asked her not to make me make the decision. I told her how much I loved her. I thanked her. She died 8/4. Her kidneys failed. She orchestrated her last day so that she got to stay home with me, love on me all day and have me love on her all day long, creating what she wanted in her life and protecting me up until her last breath. I was communicating with 2 psychic friends (ultimate gratitude Alexis and Pam) all day long and she told both of them she was fine all day, up until she died (orchestrating for me to go back to the store a SECOND time and she died while I was gone because she knew I could not handle watching her leave her body), then she talked to one of them...telling me to sit with her, to get out of my hysteria and sit with her, hold her, love her, one last time...so I did. I held my B in my grandmother's homemade antique quilt. I kissed her sweet spot between her eyes, right on her forehead. I kissed her paws, which I loved to do. I kissed her cheek. I looked at her, not fathoming that I would never see her again. I held her. I felt her. I loved her. No words to explain how thankful I am for that time.
My wonderful friend Joel came and took me to the vet at 11pm on a Sunday night. He had to take her from me to give the vet tech. I literally couldn't let her go. He literally had to take her from me. I just sat there. I can still feel it. I just sat there. We went home. I called my BF Christiane on the east coast, she was sound asleep and she answered because she just knew. I text my dad and my brother. I tried to sleep.
I woke up and I started on my life after Bella, an absolute lost and numb wreck of a human being. So I put one foot in front of the other. I woke up every day and I moved. I lived. I leaned on all of the awesome people who love me in my life. I started in on an entirely new direction in my life in so many ways. Eventually, in around 6 months, I stopped crying every time I saw her picture or talked about her. I got stronger. I created an entirely new business and life path for myself. I kept having all of these people love and support me and tell me how amazing I am, to just BE it, to know it, own it and live it without hesitation. I had no idea what that looked or felt like for me...I eventually grew into it absolutely and I am grateful. Beyond grateful.
So, my body of work, Embodied Confidence, grew out of this experience and out of my entire life with this amazing, beautiful, blonde, me in a dog body, loving and if you cross her you will know it, being. You see, every time someone would tell me to just live and be amazing, all I did for a very long time was see her in my mind's eye and feel her in my heart. To grow into the amazing, confident and integrated woman I have grown into...I had to have this amazing being show me the way...and give me the best example and the greatest, perfect life lesson to know what amazing is. Bella, this is for you. Thank you for giving me this ultimate greatest gift. Mama loves you. Mama Loves you more than Life itself. Do you love your Mama? Oh yes...I know you do. Thank you Angel. Eternally grateful for you.
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