I'd always been such a Daddy's Girl. My dad was an absolute softball pitcher RockStar, verging on being semi-pro, and I grew up on the bleachers and yelling "YEAY DADDY!" at the top of my lungs every time he was on the mound. He was just a cool dude, had a pretty rough upbringing, fought a lot and was a tough and scrappy little guy and I just thought he was the coolest dude who ever lived!
My mother was also the love of his life and when she died and he was suddenly a 36 year old man with 2 children under 10 and a failing business that his employees had ruined while he was caring for her in her last 6 months of life and he had lost the love of his life...he lost it, everything changed. My awesome, amazing cool Daddy was a very lost soul. Since then, I had not seen him really fully show up and participate in his life at all. At all.
He literally Stayed checked out until December 22, 2012, the day the Mayans said that nothing would ever be the same again. While sitting talking with my brother and I that day, He shared from a very deep and genuine place within himself what really happened the day my mother died. He had never shared this with us before, certainly never from this place. She was very sick, the cancer was everywhere, in her spinal cord, her brain, everywhere...she was throwing up all day. He was up for about 48 hours straight. He was holding the pan for her, doing anything she needed, being there and loving her, no matter what, showing up probably more than my father ever had and definitely ever has since. He went to sleep...he went to sleep for a very short time...and when he woke up, she was gone. He STILL thinks he could've done something and he stills blames himself. Irrational, yes. The heart and Soul aren't rational, especially when it comes to the love of your life. He showed up the biggest and the most powerful and the most he had ever showed up in his life...and she still died. So, his pain had him retreat back in, even deeper.
He still talks to her. He still apologizes to her for not understanding that all she really wanted was for him to show up and be her best friend. I also believe that he has spent his whole entire life holding space for her.
So today, my Daddy lives a sweet, simple life in the country in Texas, taking care of his animals, domestic and not, and he loves it, taking pleasure in the little things in life. He's had a pretty turbulent and in many ways disappointing for him life so he likes the simplicity and quiet he has now. Simple, sweet and loving...he has brightened so many lives along the way in his life, people can't help but smile when they are around him. We talked for almost 2 hours this morning, he genuinely asks and wants to know about what I am doing in my life and in my business now, even thought he doesn't really understand most of it, it doesn't matter, he's super impressed and he Loves me and is extremely proud of me...huge from a man who asked me if I had thought about "getting a job" less that a year ago...then a few months later, got me a necklace telling me to "shoot for the moon, if I miss, I'll only land in the stars." Thank you Daddy. I love you sweet Daddy.
