I had a client cancel on me this morning. I decided to use the time to
sit in my backyard (instead of being busy around my house filling up the
time picking up, as I normally do), be quiet and work on my focus and
goals for my life, my blog, and creating space for whatever grandness is
coming my way that I don't have an idea of. So I sit in contemplation
and solace, with my water feature on, enjoying and loving being in my
own sanctuary and piece of nature away from everything. I would love to
take off and go be in the mountains, away from everything, for a
weekend or a week, but I cannot do that right now, so I am being with
and loving what I have in my life and with me right now. My fountain
gives me the sound of running water, so I have the sound effects, and
everyone can connect with Mother Nature, where ever they happen to be at
that second. Be right here, right now.
You see, my Bella Angel Girl and I lost our fight with cancer almost 3 weeks ago. She was such a big part of me and my life, and now I
am left with finding my way and building the rest of my life without
her. For the last 4 months, I was her caretaker and we spent every
second that was at all possible together. I took her with me any place
that it was at all possible: she went to my studio many many times, she
went to outside meetings with me, we walked our favorite trail in the
mountains together until she just stopped one day on our way up to the
higher elevations and flat out told me she couldn't do it, I laid w her
on the floor-loving her and praying for healing as I had the 3 other
times her life was threatened and we beat it. For anyone who didn't
know my Bella, she was a lover and a fighter. She was a so sweet, beautiful,
strong, amazing being who loved loved loved everyone she met. She was
about as close to a reflection of me in a dog body as there could
possibly be. I really couldn't imagine me and my life without her. So,
she gave me lots of notice, to make sure we were ready, both of us, but
mainly me. We were both so tired by the end.
This process has been such a huge journey for me: I started it holding
on tighter than I ever have before. I began to understand surrender, I
integrated a big understanding of surrender into my body and being. I
came to understand where the balance of surrender and Fighting w every
ounce of Momma Bear and Love I have, is. I finally experienced being
able to be with the thing that absolutely terrified me. I let go. I am
learning how to integrate still feeling her beautiful spirit and
letting go of the sadness of not having her body with me.
So, here I sit, in our backyard that she loved so so much, with my boy
dog wandering around, helping me so much just with his presence, moving
on with creating my life. What were my big dreams before I started
this? Where was I going? Who am I without my B here in physical form
with me? I must choose to find out, to remember. She wouldn't want me
to just sit and be sad and lost. She knew I am amazing and she wanted
me to love me as much as I loved her. So, I am moving forward. I can
see her with me. I feel her. Along with my tears, my heart is so happy and thankful and
expanded when I look at her pictures including the so sweet photo shoot we did
weeks before she died. I am finding and recreating me and my life from
this pivotal point forward.
So, I'm back. You will hear from me more. :). I hope to see all of you
more! The Dance continues and I look forward to all of you being my
partners in this divine piece we are creating. Much love...
