Life without my Bella

I had a client cancel on me this morning. I decided to use the time to sit in my backyard (instead of being busy around my house filling up the time picking up, as I normally do), be quiet and work on my focus and goals for my life, my blog, and creating space for whatever grandness is coming my way that I don't have an idea of. So I sit in contemplation and solace, with my water feature on, enjoying and loving being in my own sanctuary and piece of nature away from everything. I would love to take off and go be in the mountains, away from everything, for a weekend or a week, but I cannot do that right now, so I am being with and loving what I have in my life and with me right now. My fountain gives me the sound of running water, so I have the sound effects, and everyone can connect with Mother Nature, where ever they happen to be at that second. Be right here, right now.

You see, my Bella Angel Girl and I lost our fight with cancer almost 3 weeks ago.   She was such a big part of me and my life, and now I am left with finding my way and building the rest of my life without her.   For the last 4 months, I was her caretaker and we spent every second that was at all possible together.  I took her with me any place that it was at all possible: she went to my studio many many times, she went to outside meetings with me, we walked our favorite trail in the mountains together until she just stopped one day on our way up to the higher elevations and flat out told me she couldn't do it, I laid w her on the floor-loving her and praying for healing as I had the 3 other times her life was threatened and we beat it.   For anyone who didn't know my Bella, she was a lover and a fighter.  She was a so sweet, beautiful, strong, amazing being who loved loved loved everyone she met.  She was about as close to a reflection of me in a dog body as there could possibly be.   I really couldn't imagine me and my life without her.   So, she gave me lots of notice, to make sure we were ready, both of us, but mainly me.  We were both so tired by the end.

This process has been such a huge journey for me:  I started it holding on tighter than I ever have before.   I began to understand surrender, I integrated a big understanding of surrender into my body and being.  I came to understand where the balance of surrender and Fighting w every ounce of Momma Bear and Love I have, is.   I finally experienced being able to be with the thing that absolutely terrified me.  I let go.   I am learning how to integrate still feeling her beautiful spirit and letting go of the sadness of not having her body with me.

So, here I sit, in our backyard that she loved so so much, with my boy dog wandering around, helping me so much just with his presence, moving on with creating my life.  What were my big dreams before I started this?  Where was I going?  Who am I without my B here in physical form with me?   I must choose to find out, to remember.  She wouldn't want me to just sit and be sad and lost.  She knew I am amazing and she wanted me to love me as much as I loved her.   So, I am moving forward.  I can see her with me.  I feel her.  Along with my tears, my heart is so happy and thankful and expanded when I look at her pictures including the so sweet photo shoot we did weeks before she died.   I am finding and recreating me and my life from this pivotal point forward.

So, I'm back. You will hear from me more. :). I hope to see all of you more! The Dance continues and I look forward to all of you being my partners in this divine piece we are creating. Much love...